Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's get the cat blown out
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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