His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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