how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
