You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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