everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
