I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
