i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
