So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
