Me. At least after what I've been through.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
