life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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