making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
