Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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