you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
