dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
