i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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