my mouth tastes like poor choices
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
