I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
