There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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