I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
