...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize