He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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