do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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