lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
