she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
