Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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