i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize