Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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