I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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