I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
