So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
