I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
