I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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