Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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