Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize