A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
