Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I love having hate sex.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
