I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
