I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
