i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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