2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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