I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
