my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
