what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
