I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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