ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
