We won't sleep together?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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