Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Mom said you looked used
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
