Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
