I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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