I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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