i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
