So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
