I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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