**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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