new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
