she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
