took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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