Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
