Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My penis needs a shock collar
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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