boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
